Myanmar and China disasters

Dear Spacevoyager,

 

Hope everything is well with you.  Things are as they should be with me.

 

Two weeks ago a Cyclone hit Myanmar(formerly a British colony re-named Burma for convenience, derived from the name of the majority ethnic group, Bamar).  So many are dead. The official death numbers vary.  There is no way to know the exact numbers because of the political situation in Myanmar.  So many are homeless and aren’t accounted for.  Their Government is a Military Dictatorship, very wary of interference from any western nations and I guess they do have a good reason to be wary. It’s a matter of holding on to the Political power the Military has and the fact that the West doesn’t have a history for aiding any Nation without some Economic/Political Gain/Interest. 

 

 

I was listening in on the NPR program “World have your say” a few days ago and it was very apparent from what the host was saying - that the West wants to use this disaster for political leverage. They want to offer aid on the condition that the Myanmar Government take steps to become a Democratic nation.  I call it the Wests three step Evangelization program -1. Democratic Evangelization, making way for  2. Religious Evangelization,  making way for 3. Economic Evangelization.  They also want a West Friendly Government(read, a government that will succumb to any pressure that the West uses to make a Economic or Political or Religious headway within that nation) installed. One of the questions the Host asked was “Is it true that the US would not win no matter what they did.  Whether they send in aid or if they don’t send in aid, either way they are going to be wrong?”  Most people who called in to answer went into an explanation why that is so.  But the host got a little too aggressive(of course that’s my opinion) when he cut off their explanations saying “that doesn’t answer the question”.  I thought the answer was obvious “Yes, they are in a no win situation and they have no one to blame but themselves. If you need proof look into the history of their aid offering to other nations; it is always followed by some kind of pre-condition.  They move in like the Camel, in the story of the Camel and the Tent- example Okinawa in Japan, military bases in Europe, military presence in Middle East, Africa, South America and Asia.  Basically telling the other nation – “Now I’ve got you by your tail Buddy.  I am going to sit in your nation and watch you like a hawk, let me see you escape this.”

 

Now what makes me feel bad is that numerous people will die because of the Egos of the Political Factions within the Nation and the Greed of the ones who can offer add.  This probably has always been and will always be.  But can you blame me for hoping that human beings will show their Nobler side?  That the powerful will offer aid just because they can and not because they can negotiate what to get for that aid?  That is my Idealistically Emotional side speaking.

 

On the other hand, my Philosophical Witness side watches the way Nature takes care of herself.  Yes, she is becoming more polluted in her waters, in her air etc.. the Reason – Population of Human Beings and the hazards we bring in with Civilization and Modernization .. the solution – large scale removal of life.  A sort of cycle of cleansing, just like our body – what we put in, is sorted into what can be used, repaired, stored and thrown out and there are organs doing just that. When our system gets overwhelmed with the repairing, we age and die.  I watch nature do the same, with respect to our Earth.

 

The other sad news was of the earthquake in China.  Again so many are dead, or buried under the rubble.  Schools have collapsed with students in them.. I cant imagine the grief the Chinese Parents feel, who by law can only have ONE child.  Life as they knew it, is done.   I could go on and on about how disaster can change ones life, but it will not really make much of an impact unless we experience it. 

 

In all of these sad news and deaths, the Iraq invasion and what’s happening there is lost in the background, what’s happening in Afghanistan is lost in the background too, the Iranian president is taking a breather too from all the attacks that the media spilled on to him a few months ago, the Clinton-Obama campaign is still going, although some in the media wants Clinton to pull out of the race.  Which makes me wonder about Journalism these days –  What is the job description of a Journalist?  Reporting an event or Changing/Influencing the readers to choose a side?   Giving an account of  What is said or saying what the journalist thinks of the Why it was said? 

 

When I was young, I wanted to be a record keeper – note down the things that happened around the world for as long as I lived and hopefully found someone to continue once I died.  I think I should go back to doing just that.. Cause the way I see it, Journalism is more about Sensationalism and Econo-socio-Political Agendas.  Guess I am becoming cynical as I grow older.

 

I will have to stop for now, as real life calls for attention. 

 

Thinking as I get things done

You know who.

 

 

A Day in My Life

Dear Spacevoyager,

This is going to be a very short letter.  Guess it doesnt make a difference anyway.. Dont think you are reading it.

For the past few weeks, I have been getting through my day with shear will power to not Collapse.  I really dont understand what it is that I need other than this overwhelming urge to leave everything and disappear for a while.  Yes, that does seem very selfish.  But I do need to get away by myself- No kids, no family, no friends, Just ME, MYSELF.

Yesterday I was talking to a long time friend of mine- a guy I have known for about 12 years now and he said something that I usually think but never really say out loud.  He said that everytime he looks at a time when he was Happy, its usually the time hes been Alone.  It struck me, that thats probably the reason he’s been my friend for so long… I am the happiest when I am alone.

I have known for quiet a while now, that I cant or rather wont live up to anyone’s expectation of me.  Sometimes being the way I am, brings conflict especially when you are someones wife, daughter or mother. I can literally read the other’s thoughts everytime I decide to do something that I want to do.  Its almost like as if, if they had the power, they would just want to make me a Robot, saying YES to anything they say and want me to do. It probably would work if I didnt think as much as I do, I guess. But given the way I am, I would make the most unruly Robot.

I know that as I am growing older, I am becoming very fixed in certain things.  I like doing things a certain way, when it comes to other people I let go very easily, so much that it almost borders on indifference. I dont hold on to things like others in my position would.  I like to have my hands and head free of clutter.   Think I am becoming senile.  

Off to do the neverending chores
You know Who.

 

Smear Campaign

Dear Spacevoyager,

I have had a “cant take the time to breathe right” kind of few months. No, I am not complaining, just observing.  Hope you have been doing well during this time.  I would like to think(although I know its just a soothing justification) that, no news means all is well.

Here, the Political Campaign is in full swing.  I say full swing, ’cause they have reached the “provoke and smear” part.  I love watching the psychology of smearing.  So two candidates from the same side start vying for one Post.  They do have qualities that are similar, cause I dont see how anyone can get to be anything in Politics if they didnt have the capacity to RAISE MONEY, didnt have a PhD. in Shrewdness, didnt have a huge dose of Slyness or didnt have some Lack of Integrity.  They have about the same amount of strength when it comes to getting people’s attention too.  Both are very well educated, very adept orators, very skilled at moving the people(after all they have been practicing since they entered politics), to a large degree both do see the whole picture(at least for now, cant say what will happen once either becomes the Head), both do understand the United States doesnt mean the WORLD, that there are other nations with which they have to work together with. But I think the people of the Nation arent ready for either one of them. They will end up choosing the “Lesser of the two Evils” according to their understanding.  See, one is a woman, trying to get to a post that has been Male Dominated, while the other is Black, trying to get to a post that has been White Dominated.  So all in all they are Equally matched.  I could be labeled as racist and sexist for making such an observation.  But that is what I see from my small window of life. 

Heres what I think is happening - The common man buys into a Grand Dream and thats the Spinal Cord of any Political Campaign - Sell the dream they want to dream, so that they WILL buy. That is what any candidate does.  They play the game, using their skills in Oration to persuade the Puny-Minded us into buying the dream and vote for them. Most common men, errr I mean People(yes, I am running scared of this Politically correct world, so much so that I have learned to Shut Up) in his  daily struggles, usually never has a Grand Dream, which is why we are impressed by anyone selling it.   Our dreams are simple- have food on the table, have clothes on our backs, be able to educate our kids so they could have a future that we didnt have when our future became the present, be able to have a small house to call our own(but usually end up in debt), be able to have a vacation at least once a year or maybe once in two years, so we could take a break from our 16 hour work/commute schedules and spend some QUALITY time with our wives, errrr… Spouses(yes, still running scared of being labled sexist in the world of political correctedness), be able to be part of the Consumer World by buying gifts for Christmas and birthdays and anniversaries, have a medical insurance that actually pays for our healthcare instead of we paying more than half,  thats all.  See our dream? How on earth can any of us want more when our immediate future is at stake everyday of our lives?  Do any of you So called “Candidates” see this?  Do you notice that its just a small part of the entire population who fall in the Rich. The majority fall in the Middle or the lower class?  But guess what.. that small Rich percentage actually Rules the others.. thats the reality, whether we like it or not.  Its been so throughout history, no matter which part of the world you went to check on civilization, there was always “classes” of people.  We are like the Bees, we each have our station which we have to live through to add value to this Life on our Planet.

Now, I could be called very Mediocre or Low class thinking person, just because of my opinions.  After all we are all very Good at JUDGING  anyone who doesnt think or do like us.  We like to give a Fantastic label and put others in a box.   Should I Care?  Its the Truth the way I see it, so yes, I would say “to each his own”.  I could say - “To Hell with you for not  thinking like me” but I am still running scared of the Political Correct world.

I would like to clarify at this point, that I have no stake in this election, you see like so many immigrants- I pay taxes but I cant vote for anyone so there. The only stake I could have in this election is if the candidate who comes in lays a law and says “all immigrants OUT”.  But that wont happen(crossing my fingers and toes and hoping to die if it does) cause I can get “sue happy” and say going  back a few hundred years, even the candidates have to leave this country cause their families are immigrants too and leave this country to the First Nations People, after all they are the rightful owners. The candidates could argue- thats not true, that the First Nation People arent rightfully the owners of this land. Then I could pull an International Hague Court style argument, “then Israel does not belong to the Jews either and if the Jews can go back a few Thousands of years to lay claim to Israel, then the First Nations have the right to go back just a few Hundred years to claim this land for themselves.”

Hmm.. where was I?  So ok, Mr. Obama said what he did on April 11, I cant see how it isnt HIS truth.  He has his way of seeing things and I for one, agree with what he says. Not all human beings will conform to the Conventional Idea of a life of “absolute character”.  We do find comfort in times of trouble in different ways.  There isnt anything right or wrong about it, its just the way things are.  When we have bad times, we turn to different sources for comfort, some of us would turn to- family, friends, food, alcohol, sex, drugs, depression, crime, religion, cult, gang etc… Now I guess, I will be labelled elitist too for having such a view.   But it is merely my perception of the reality I see.  Since Mr. Obama is a Politician, does that not give him a right to voice his perception? 

Now heres the Irony- the Nation that is willing to blame the increase in  “lack of morality”  on the “removing prayer from school” is reluctant to blame “crime” on the lack of “good economic standards”?

I have no idea what to make of it… so I refuse to believe the Media.  I think the Media is concerned with One Thing - “RATINGS”.   There really isnt any good journalism, there is only the bottomline in profit making.

Will Stop for now.  Have to get back to my Real Life.  Take care.  Have a lovely Sunday. Have a Productive Work week too.

Overwhelmed with things to Do
you know who.

 

Annoyed.

Dear Spacevoyager,

Today is one of those days, when I need someone to listen or maybe just sit with me and just BE. It is one of those days when everything that’s happened so far seems like a burden to carry. You really don’t have to read any further. You do have the right to dismiss my rant, invalidate anything I write here. Yes! You do have the right to walk away from being any part of the drama of my life. Tear up the letter right now if you don’t want to know.

Last evening, we visited the doctor again since my son’s fever wasn’t any better after 3 days. Turns out, that he has influenza A with the beginnings of Pneumonia. Did I feel guilty? OH YES! I really wanted to give myself a good lashing. How could I, his mother, not trust my instinct? My brain went through a whole lot of “should haves/could haves/would haves”. Somehow I felt like I wasn’t doing my job of a Mother well.  Everytime my kids are miserable or something goes wrong(at least not the way I think it should go) I feel like a Moron. Although my analysis says I do the best I can for them under the circumstance, no matter what.  I should give myself a break, I guess.

 When I took him to the doc on Friday last, I took him because I had this suspicion that something was wrong with the way his lungs were. It was just a feeling and I couldn’t explain it. I wanted to say “could you check him for pneumonia?” but I didn’t want to insult the doc by telling her how to do her job. Of course the doc checked him and said, it’s a viral infection it will pass in two days. Two days? Not really, he was miserable but being the really gentle, thoughtful 5 year old he is, he never complained. Poor kid.

Now as silly as this sounds to my own brain, this event has triggered a whole bunch of Hidden guilt over the times I didn’t listen to my Instinct because it wasn’t Practical or because evidence pointed otherwise or because my husband would think that I was being paranoid. So I went through the process of being the drill sergeant who leaves his disobedient recruits out in the sun for their trespasses. Right now, the logical side of my brain is busy working on a formula for when to temper Instinct with Practicality and when not to…and it keeps coming up with the result… “Forget Practicality, go with Instinct always.” Am I being Obsessive? I despise the schism between my instinct and my logic. I wish there was a way to reconcile it.

I know this will pass too, like all things.. I just hope it passes faster than all the things that passed so far.

If you got this far, Thank you very much for listening.

Annoyed at myself
You know who.

 

Happiness as Status.

Hello Spacevoyager,

Hope you have been well.  I miss talking to you. But I guess que sera sera. 

I had the usual week that any housewife has, with chores to do, kids to take care of with one of them sick with a viral infection of some kind.  Am I tired? Oh yes! very tired.. but can I stop? no, not really.. I like to think of myself as indispensable, although I know deep down that is not true… If I stop, two things can happen, either someone else will take over or I will have to return to the stacked up chores after a rest.

I envy my brain though, here I am trying to keep things going, in order etc and my brain goes off on day dreaming, self-talking, walking through the trees, sprees… It is such an unruly child.   It has no consideration for anyone at all, its off enjoying itself in its games. And so in the cacophony of thoughts, here’s a question that popped up- Where do I stand in my life, what is my Status as defined by people other than I?  I really don’t have one.  No matter what I look at in my life for Status, I feel that the ME doesn’t fit in there  completely except when I view status in terms of how I feel when I review myself, I fit the idea of ME I have.  Irrational? Conceited? I don’t know which it is.

Rationally  there are two ways I can view status… Materially and Emotionally.   After all, Status is what you would view it to be depending on your cultural upbringing.  I bet somewhere on this earth there would be people who think the person who owns the most number of  Shells is the richest, while somewhere else they would count the dollars.  While money is essential for living the way we have designed living to be today, I find that it doesn’t satisfy all of my needs. Yes, I need money to cover my basics-food, shelter, clothing. But really whats the point of having money but not being able to enjoy the most delicious dish because its a health hazard for me, or for that matter, having money but not having that ONE thing you crave for most-happiness. 

This would seem hypocritical or could be labeled as a typical loser’s attitude to life.  But shouldn’t the world view Happiness as a status?   There is this part of me that looks at people and considers them “Rich” if their smiles can reach their eyes, if they are able to be content with what they have while striving to get to what they envision themselves to be, if they can reach out to another without malice, without a hidden agendas, without needing to manipulate, without wanting to take something from the other, without needing to feed their egos. They are RICH.  Now doesn’t that describe you?  What do you think?

Questioning as always
You know who

 

The Week’s Ramble

Dear Spacevoyager,

Its been a while since I wrote last. I have been wondering about how you are. If it is cold where you are or if you have slowed down instead of being the workaholic that you are. I wondered if you and yours are well.

The past week, winter is making its presence felt. Its chilly, and we had a storm. Lots of fallen trees, rising rivers, mudslides, power outages and slowed traffic. Guess its nature’s way of telling us, she’s the boss. I am waiting for the snow. Not because I like it but because it will allow me a reason to stay in and do nothing. I read somewhere that if you walk barefoot on snow, the heart feels warm to compensate for the cold feet. I never tried it out but I wondered if that is true. Its going to be one of those things I will check out when it snows.

I had work all days of the week, as I had to put in more hours to cover for a sick teacher. We had a spate of cold, coughs and fevers at the school so many kids were absent. I literally prayed that I wouldn’t fall ill. One of the scariest things for a mother of two with a workaholic husband and no family or friends close by, is to fall ill. I usually don’t ask God anything for myself except that I don’t fall so ill as to not be able to take care of my little ones or do the work I am supposed to do.

The Holiday season is making the kids stay up late and hence tired when they come to school. We had a bunch of holiday crafts that the kids got to do and its such a joy to see them enjoy it. They have made decorations for the classroom, practicing their songs for the “holiday night” with their parents and made gifts too. Everything looks very festive. I think this is the only time of the year when this place resembles Home. Its colourful and buzzing with activity.

I have been looking back, as usual. Hindsight being 20/20, I feel I could have made better decisions to avoid a lot of pitfalls that I am presently experiencing. I am letting my mind do the witnessing while the brain does the “practical” living out of life. It’s a blessing and a curse to feel so divided all the time. I feel like I am a perfect example of Duality. All the time swinging from the Best to the Worst and I(not sure if that is the mind or the brain) sit in judgement. Yes! I know when I made the error or when I made the right decision, but the fact of the matter is, I cant go back to that point of error and redo what was wrong. I wish Life had an UNDO or a REDO button like computer programs do.

Another year is going to start soon, and my resolutions for the year is very simple but I know its going to take all my effort and focus to get it done. The resolutions are 1. Do less day-dreaming and do more work 2. Get more organized with time and resources. 3. Cut the crap out of life(rid of toxic people, get more exercise, rid of negative self-talk, learn to say NO). I will have to come back and read this so that I can see if I am making any progress in these areas.

There are other goals too. Some of which you probably know about. I hope that I will be able to get to where I want to be or at least make a heading along that way. This Saturday, the kids are having their first Piano recital and both are nervous and that is spilling on to me.. I am anxious too, but I am breathing deep and reminding myself to let them be the kids they are supposed to be. I am proud of them although I try not to show lest they think they don’t need to work any harder. They are good kids. I sometimes wonder how they chose me for their Mother. Motherhood, its not the way I dreamed it would be but I wouldn’t trade it for anything else.

Guess this letter has nothing in particular, just the usual rambling of a wife, a mother and a genderless person who watches as life goes by.

Wishing you would reply, but knowing you wont.

Signing off
You know who.

 

Death and Mind

Dear spacevoyager,

I take it that no news is Good News and all is well with you and yours. I do wish you were here, sitting and sipping a cup of coffee/tea with me. We could have a sort of tea ceremony.

These two weeks I have been busy with reading. I read “Memoirs of the Geisha”. Its a really well written book. I like the details(yeah I like details more than the whole picture sometimes), the tipped on one side house in which Chiyo(later Sayuri) lived, the description of the teahouses, the buildings, the streets, the vendors, the weather, the landscape, the era, the paintings, the caligraphy, the physical appearances of each of the characters- it felt so real. I had watched the Movie some months ago and I wanted to read the book so that I could see how the novel was adapted to incorporate the details in the Movie. I should say, the directer did a great job. I also began reading Gibran’s Tears and Laughter. I will take my time chewing and ruminating on his words. I love his thoughts.

I know you don’t like to talk of death and dying but its something I have a great fascination for. Every morning when I wake up I usually get one of these two thoughts “Oh wow! I am alive” OR “Oh shoot! I overslept”. I think of death very often, more so in the past week.. Maybe cause my Grandmother passed away 15 days ago. She was 92 years old. Her short term memory was really short. The last time I visited her(which was a year ago) she couldnt recognize who I was inspite of telling here who I was. Did I feel bad? Not really. I was in awe of the fact that she could have a decent conversation inspite of the handicap. Am I sad she passed away? Not really. Am I happy? Not really. Was I close to her? Not really. Was I distant from her? Not really. It will be a long wordy explanation, so Not Really is a cool answer.(see I am becoming American/USAian, I used “Cool” as a word that makes sense without really meaning Cool)

I have this almost obsessive habit of looking back. Maybe because I see death lurking every day in some obscure place, I like to know how far I have come. So that I know how much further I need/want to go before it gets me. Its like playing tag. I know life isn’t a neat avenue, with every fork having a name. I understand, rationally that life is mostly like climbing a hill only to discover there are more hills to climb or get off of. Somewhere in that Ascent or Descent, we stop for a spot in Death’s immense Valley. If I had to describe Life, I would say its like running a marathon. You pace yourself, you learn endurance and persevere till death smiles at you.

I dont really have an opinion about Death. I dont feel afraid of dying, its a reality of Life. But I must admit, I am very curious about the process. Maybe this would seem like death is a little too Trivial or I have a touch of insanity. I wonder when we die - if the last breath would be an inhale or an exhale? Would we really be feeling, thinking or dreaming? would we really be sad we are dying? would it really matter what happens with our body later on? where does the mind go when the body dies, since there is no actual Organ that is the Mind? Does the Mind Die too?

I am vain about my mind, not so much because of the way it is but because I rely heavily on it for my thoughts, emotions, words and actions. My mind is the “Rock” I hold on to for most anything, but most of all when I get kicked in the gut. I think it would scare me to lose my mind more, than the fear of being a maimed vegetable for the rest of my life. So I really wonder, what is the stratum for the mind? Can our mind, be mapped on the Brain just like we are able to map the speech center or the visual centers in the brain? Maybe I need to do some research. I have read stories(I dont know for sure whether they are real or written by authors with an agenda) about how people with organ transplants take on mannerisms or preferences of the person to who the organ belonged to. Does that mean that Mind exists in every part of our cell?

Continuing to Ponder while Signing off
You know who.

 

Beauty and Quietness

Dear Spacevoyager,

Hope everything has been well with you? Its about 3 weeks since I last wrote to you. Much must have happened.

I don’t know if everything is well with me, I have been feeling very ambivalent. But, I guess there is nothing to fix if there is nothing that’s broken.

Lately, beauty has been in my mind. I understand that different people have different ideas about what is beautiful. For some it’s designer clothes or jewelry. For me its been very basic stuff. Think I am weird. I feel a forest is beautiful, while most I know, think a landscaped garden is beautiful. Now don’t get me wrong, I do think SOME landscaped gardens are beautiful but ANY forest is beautiful. Therefore to me, a Forest is more beautiful than a meticulously kept garden. I think most of the world’s Tribal women look beautiful. The Masai from Africa for instance or the Nagas from Nagaland, the Aymara, from the Andes. They are beautiful people. Real beauty is that which doesn’t need the help of cosmetics to show through.  Of course, in today’s world, people do think using make up with “subtlety” is a sign of  a modern woman.  I think that is sort of a skewed or un-natural idea of beauty. On the same note, mine would be a primitive idea of beauty, to them.

I think I have told you that I like quietness. My favorite times of the day are early in the morning and late at night when everyone’s asleep and there is no noise except for the crickets or birds chirping. It must have something to do with the constantly chattering mind I have. I think as a compensation for all the noise in my mind, my ears like the quiet. I think quiet is beautiful too. Have you ever shared a moment with a very dear friend in silence? It speaks more than all the words put together. I have had a few like that. With some people it becomes uncomfortable, but with people you love or care immensely about there is so much that is shared and said in silence.

I remember a different kind of quietness to. While I was still in my teens, a good friend, almost sister of mine, lost her dad to Coronary heart disease. She was so distraught. She was trying hard to behave the way an eldest Daughter is supposed to behave. So when the people arrived to prepare for the wake, she did what was asked of her while her mother sat in vigilance next to her husband. I didn’t know what I could say to comfort my friend, cause I was too sad at that time. So after what needed to be taken care of, was done, we sat very quietly in the room where her dad was laid out. Not a word was spoken, she just sat there with tears flowing and I just sat there with her and handed her a face towel. I didn’t say anything to her but after she got a hold of herself, she said “thank you”. I never knew for what at that time, I didn’t do anything, but I understand it now. Its comforting to have someone you can be yourself with, no pretences, no masks, no judgments, no psychobabble, no preaching, no supervision. When I think of people I can be myself with.. One of them is, You. Thank you, for being the awesome person you are.

Its almost bedtime. Off to catch some sleep. Hope you have a wonderfully productive week ahead.

Oh! I remembered this thought provoking quote I read that I wanted to share with you.
“Don’t be so humble, you are not that Great” – Golda Meir. I still havent figured the tone in which to read it.

Signing off
You know who.

 

A Weekend in Ponder-land.

Hi spacevoyager,

It’s the weekend. As usual, I keep mine as lazy as it could be. I hope you are taking time to rest, rejuvenate and relax. There are days I wonder about whether that idea is right.. to be able to relax or just laze for the day. I wish that Life came with a manual, instead of all the greys that it presents. At least I would know the right or wrong way to live life. On the other hand, I am glad it doesn’t have a manual, it gives me room to make choices and creates an illusion of freedom. Ah! guess I have no idea what I am thinking of right now, I am going to write whatever word comes out as write.

Relationships- I wonder about them. I guess I am naïve about them to a degree, after all I havent had all the possible kinds of relationship anyone could have.. I just have a chosen few. I wonder how real our emotions are. If its constantly changing and life is all about change, why is it so difficult for most of us to accept change and move on? If our emotions were constant, would it seem real? I have watched people who claim to be in love, fall out of love at a flip of a switch. Sometimes the flip is mutual, sometimes it leaves broken hearts in its wake. Could they have really loved?  Or did we in an attempt to define Love, make it too wordy with seemingly deep definitions and complicate that which should have been simple?

Forgiveness-I don’t have very many people in my life, who I need to forgive. I guess it’s a blessing. But I am finding it difficult to forgive certain transgresses as I grow in years. Shouldn’t it be the other way round? Shouldn’t it be easier to forgive knowing that death is nearing our door? I find myself not valuing the work done too, the question “So what?” or the phrase “Big deal” pops in every time a job is done to completion. Its like a temporary fix for whatever needs fixing, its not going to last, so feels unimportant… Think I am becoming senile? Overly cynical?

Gratefulness- Everyday I feel very burdened with gratefulness… Somehow while being thankful, I also feel guilty for living my life as beautiful as it is, in spite of it being ugly for many others. Of course, when I spoke to my mother about it, she said – “You have too much time on hand to think about things like this, find some work to do.” She doesn’t know, that I am thinking as I am working. Do you think she knows some secret of being lighthearted in the moment that I don’t know about?

Mindfulness- I think the most difficult lesson for me to learn is about being in the moment, mindful of everything I do. I have this presumption that being mindful means that as I do something, my mind is quiet, no chattering, but is quietly observing what I do. But, usually that’s not what happens with me. If I am doing something, my mind is busy calculating how long it will take and what needs to be done next and when I can actually get to doing some reading etc…I wonder, if being in the moment is what we should cherish then should I accept the fact that in every moment that I am doing something, my mind is thinking of something else, and acknowledge that as mindfulness? That I am aware that I am doing something and my mind is thinking something else

Pondering as usual
Signing off
You know who.

 

Life’s reminders

Hi, how have you been?

I had such an embarrassing, hilarious morning today.. I usually walk to the bus-stop to drop the little ones off to school. Today, we had a typical forgetful day. Daughter forgot her lunch-box so we went back in to get it.. son forgot the book due at the library today so we went back in again to get that, then I realized I didn’t get the keys so I went back in to get it and realized, we are running late.. so I told the kids to get into the car got the car-keys and rushed to the bus stop. Thankfully we got the bus.. and then I walked home. As I walk towards the driveway I am thinking- “Where is the car? Don’t think anyone could rob it in this neighbourhood, could they?” and then just before I got into the Press the Panic Button Mode, I remembered I took the car to the busstop.. so I walk back to get the car, very embarrassed. All the way, I couldn’t stop giggling at my forgetfulness or should I say absentmindedness.

Made me realize I am such a creature of habit. There are things I do everyday on automation. I don’t really pay attention. I also realized that the universe is watching over me, you could call it God or Angel or whatever it is that suits your fancy. Everytime I reach that point in my life where I am totally bored of the routine and stop paying attention, something happens and then I am persuaded to be aware, take a note of whats happening. In that awareness, I understand those hidden parts of me, I really take a look at me..For today, it suffices to say… I am glad for the way I Am. I am riding on a boat of contentment today, I couldn’t ask for more. I understand what you said in our conversations, that you are happy the way you are… its true, on my own-some I am happy.

Feeling very Blessed,
You know who.